18 years.
And today, for some reason, I am angry.
It will pass. But for now, I need to feel it. I want to feel it.
And God understands.
Chris heard the call of God to his generation which was a spoken theme to him and his peers.
Chris was loyal, sincere, and a leader. He stepped up.
Thing is, he didn’t do it the way they thought he should.
He felt it.
I have not been stewing about this for 18 years. My faith has shown me to turn the other cheek and bear this immeasurable burden.
Chris made a choice and I understand that. I am not afraid of the truth.
Yet, there were trusted individuals who contributed to his feeling of rejection, defeat, and disqualification.
This confused him.
And it confused me.
Trying to do the right thing. Think the right thing. Feel the right thing.
Conversations … trying to understand … hollow … and feeling worse.
No more.
God has continued to shield me, protect me, and comfort me. That is my story.
That is everyone’s story who has suffered deep sorrow at the hands of those who lead. God knows.
If you are a Christian, you better have compassion. You better be willing to deny yourself and your fussy ideas in order to accept, receive, and love others. You better understand that making disciples starts with humility. You better be gentle and lowly.
You know, the way Jesus showed us.
Otherwise, you are loud brass and clanging cymbals.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the human heart yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
when it hurts 
I do know exactly what you mean. Anger is a passion that must be felt sometimes. It is part of grief to revisit at any time. But God has us. Thankfully, we are not condemned because the injustices of this life anger us. We are human, after all.
God is with us. Emanuel. He never leaves especially in our most agonizing times. He did not leave us. He did not leave our sons. He did not leave His Son, Jesus Christ.
I like the photo of your son….a very handsome young man. ❤️
Thank-you. Your words made me teary and warmed my heart. I felt it push the anger away.
Such a handsome young man. I’m truly sorry for your pain. Waiting for reunion is becoming harder and harder as the years roll on for me. Coming up on 39 years since my kids were killed by a careless truck driver. (Along with my hubby.)
Thankfully though, we as Christians can look forward to God’s promise of being reunited to our departed children, as you already know.
That’s the only thing I’ve clung to like a rope all these years, to keep me from despair. Only God can truly help us with this kind of longstanding deep, deep sorrow. Blessings, Donna
Donna, there are no words for what you have suffered and continue to suffer.
Thank-you for your comment. All creation groans and we are part of that creation.. waiting.. waiting.
Yes to every word this, Kathy. Just yes.