it’s all i’ve got.

it’s all i’ve got.

There are no words for what happened in Kerr County, TX, last week.

No words of comfort.

No words of closure.

No words that will stop the hemorrhaging or heal the shattered hearts.

In recent months, I was finally beginning to understand what God thinks about me. Maybe it has been a series of events of being abandoned that has taken me this long. I don’t dwell on that but I’ve spent a lifetime searching for meaning. All I know is I was beginning to relax in knowing that God really does value me, really does love me, and will not abandon me.

I was finally coming to a place of reassurance and peace. And then came this. The little girls ripped from their beds, carried away in horrendous fear, and ultimately, death.

Jesus loves me, this I know? Why didn’t he stop it? What is this thing Christians believe?

I am still in the process of trying to figure this out. I want so desperately to comprehend. I am frustrated because there is nothing that makes sense.

I ask God the question: how can I trust you? How can I believe that it is you who are helping me through life’s confusion and difficulties? How can I really believe that you are in tune with my life and that you hear my prayers? Obviously, the parents who left their little girls at this camp prayed for them – among other things – their safety.

And then of course, the triggers of emotions buried within me. I uttered these words so quietly: and you betrayed us. The tears welled up in my eyes of losing him 20 years ago. Tears that cannot fully come because I’ve cried so many there is nothing left. I want to cry. I can’t. But I feel it churning inside.

I remember when the disciples were confused and Jesus said to them, “Will you leave me, too?” And Peter piped up and said, “Where will we go? You have the words of life.”

You have the words of life.

Peter was right. No matter what we face in this world with all of its disappointments, sorrow, and confusion – where do we go? We can find temporary solutions but that is the problem. They are temporary. And we wake up the next morning with a hangover or guilt from the night before and what do we do? We go back for more.

You have the words of life.

But I can’t see you, God. And even though my mind tells me that I am seriously limited in trying to understand, it still hurts. 

I know people have suffered since the beginning of time. I know people are suffering today. But this. This hit me hard.

The Bible says God’s ways are not our ways and that his thoughts are not like ours. If we step back and believe he created the universe and everything in it, how can we possibly believe we can understand the why’s of suffering. It’s far too easy to say there is no God if he allows us to suffer. I cannot go there because then, I will find solutions elsewhere and honestly, there is nothing that will help. Every human solution I can think of often makes things worse.

All I have is this:

God says he will keep us in perfect peace when we trust him.

He says to trust him with our whole heart and not try to understand.

He  promises to fix it all someday by wiping away every tear we’ve cried.

That’s all I’ve got.

And Christians throughout the centuries – that’s all they had, too.

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in the context of things.

in the context of things.

Have you ever thought about what life was like 100 years ago? 200? 50?

Perhaps there is no other time in history when we have we been so privileged – in the United States and other developed countries. (Although, there are people who live with far less access to wealth and opportunity who are reported to be content).

With all of our advances in science, medicine, and technology, are we much different than people who lived without it? Certainlly, we have it far easier. Even people who live below the poverty level seem to have a cell phone and can afford McDonald’s. It might not sound like much, but it would mean something to people who lived 100 years ago.

I think the context in which we live has an impact on our world view. People who lived 200 years ago did not have the abundance we have now. While there has always been the wealthy, for most people, I imagine there was more motivation to do all it took for survival. Time was spent working to that end. There was no television, Tik Tok, or Door Dash to waste the day away, putting off thinking about things another day.

Am I the only one who thinks about the suffering on the Mayflower? The colonists? The pioneers? People like you and me, hoped for something beyond here and now.

As little as 60 years ago, people sold their home in order to pay medical bills. I know of one person who said his father got up every morning at 4:30 am to take various modes of transportation, including walking, into NYC to work in a factory. This was common. People did what they had to do and I can only imagine the resiliency and perseverance factor was off the charts.

Humans suffered throughout the centuries and humans are suffering today. Perhaps the suffering is different but suffering is suffering no matter how you look at it. Suffering for one might be extremely difficult compared to another. Bottom line, no matter when we live, human suffering is with us.

There are times to fight against it and we should. But then there are times when there is nothing to be done but to accept. Not with a fatalist mindset. With hope.

When there is death of a loved one, there is suffering. I do not contend that people who lived 100+ years ago dealt with loss more easily than we do today but they experienced more of it. I think there was an acceptance of the inevitable since diseases were prevelant and life spans were reduced compared to today.

I think we take things for granted because we have so much available to us. It’s not really our fault. We are a product of our environment.

But I do think we are responsible for our responses to suffering. I think we have to expand our thinking beyond the four walls of our mind and looking at history is crucial.

Some of us look back into history, consider the challenges, and learn from it. If we compartmentalize history with the mindset of “that was then and this is now”, without considering our make-up is really not different than our predecessors, we will be missing something that is meant to help us.

When we lose a loved one, does it help us to consider how our ancestors processed it? Even though wearing black and spending a specific amount of days in mourning occurred, they felt what we feel today.

There is no amount of medical, scientific, or technological advancements that can change the pain. However, today, we have access to help through those entities with medicine, understanding the brain, and access to online resources to help us.

I think one of the best ways to look at death is to consider those men and women who lived throughout the centuries and remember we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses. There is something about connecting with people that understand. We are strengthened and even comforted.

I believe spirituality is a major component available to us. In the Christian faith, there are promises of hope, comfort, and eternity of being reunited with our loved one. Without this hope, what do we have? We can’t change the fact that if we are honest, we do wonder about life after death.

The Bible says that God has written eternity on our hearts. That means we are hardwired to wonder. What we have to do is respond to it in some way – or not.

Some people get angry at God for allowing bad things to happen. For me, it is very difficult when Christians have a good outcome of prayer and believe God will always give good outcomes. That is not always the case. Some people miraculously survive a car accident while other people do not. We have to do something with this fact. We either ignore it or accept it.

It’s more than just “taking the good with the bad”. We can’t survive only on that thinking. We were created to dig much deepr than that and only God can help.

Why is there suffering? I don’t know. I only know that God promises that one day he will fix it all. He will wipe away every tear and there will be no more sorrow or death.

We were made to look ahead. It doesn’t stop at death.

It begins there.

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