I wrote a lot in those days. My family and I were grieving. This was written 5 months after the death of my oldest son.

I had to go back to another blogging site to find this particular post. To find it, I had to look through what I had written at the time. I could not read through the entries. My body tensed up just scanning the titles.

This entry was particularly significant. It was true then and it’s true now. It encapsulates all that a Christian discovers when their heart is shattered. They see in a different way because they are on a new path with unfamiliar scenery. And for the very first time, they feel the presence of God in a way never felt before.

If God is always doing a “new thing”, maybe we should start by sitting at the feet of shattered, suffering Christians and ask them “what do you see?”

February 23rd, 2006, 07:33 am

on this side of the throne.

Behold the Father who sits on the throne and the Son at His right hand.

Had I not traveled this path, I would not be seeing this side of His throne. I would not have seen the reflection of His glory on this side of His face. I would have been unaware of the way His right hand moved toward me to take hold of mine. I would not have noticed the way His smile looked in this kind of light. I would not have seen the tear that dropped from his left eye as He gazed into my heart.

I would not have felt the warmth of His presence from where I was …

… on this side of the throne.

If this title offends you, you might be smug.

Seriously.

If I read this title 20 years ago, I would have been defensive. How dare a believer write such a thing?

I would have read the article, though. I am brutally honest with myself.

Give it to me straight. Don’t dance around with platitudes.

Since God opposes the prideful, and smugness is a symptom of pride, I think we should think about this topic.

Unless, of course, we think like the Pharisees.

I recently read something an anonymous individual wrote about the loss of community in a church they once attended. They had experienced a tragedy which caused them to grieve and this time of year is a reminder. Sadly, they seemed to experience more grief when they felt a void from their church. There seemed to be a lack of understanding and/or a willingness of continued support how they needed it.

How does this happen?

Why does this happen?

When we have not walked someone’s dark, tragic path, when we don’t listen and take the time to ask God to help us to listen and understand, we are smug.

Smugness wants to prop you up while you are collapsing. Smugness puts a band-aid on a hemorrhaging wound. Smugness distances from worldly definitions of things like grief and what it entails.

Without smugness, it will cost you 1 Corinthians love.

Smug people care. But not enough. After all, they have kingdom work to do.

Your tragedy does not fit into their Christian world view. Are they afraid to face the truth because it will interfere with God’s purpose for their life? To execute their gifts and talents for God? And mess everything up?

Christians who understand discipleship, who live a life of faith serving their local church, can be smug and not know it. They hear the scriptures about faith and with good intention, “carry the sword of the spirit” and “go into the enemy’s camp” to stake their claim for the Kingdom of God.

The potential is, they can be so purposeful in their faith, they may not accept anything that looks like you not having faith. They become blinded more and more to the natural realm of humanity, because they have become so heavenly minded they are no earthly good.

I can say all of these things because I’ve been on both ends. Unknowingly smug. Until I learned through what if feels like.

You may have heard there is “no perfect church”. Shouldn’t we expect where there are those imperfections, a willingness to listen and take to heart what people experience? Why should believers, who have spent decades in a local church, feel shunned? Why should they suddenly lose all contact with who they were in community with?

They didn’t notice you were hemorrhaging.

But God did.

18 years.

And today, for some reason, I am angry.

It will pass. But for now, I need to feel it. I want to feel it.

And God understands.

Chris heard the call of God to his generation which was a spoken theme to him and his peers.

Chris was loyal, sincere, and a leader. He stepped up.

Thing is, he didn’t do it the way they thought he should.

He felt it.

I have not been stewing about this for 18 years. My faith has shown me to turn the other cheek and bear this immeasurable burden.

Chris made a choice and I understand that. I am not afraid of the truth.

Yet, there were trusted individuals who contributed to his feeling of rejection, defeat, and disqualification.

This confused him.

And it confused me.

Trying to do the right thing. Think the right thing. Feel the right thing.

Conversations … trying to understand … hollow … and feeling worse.

No more.

God has continued to shield me, protect me, and comfort me. That is my story.

That is everyone’s story who has suffered deep sorrow at the hands of those who lead. God knows.

If you are a Christian, you better have compassion. You better be willing to deny yourself and your fussy ideas in order to accept, receive, and love others. You better understand that making disciples starts with humility. You better be gentle and lowly.

You know, the way Jesus showed us.

Otherwise, you are loud brass and clanging cymbals.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the human heart yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Today, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade and returned it to the states.

The Supreme Court on Friday overruled the landmark 1973 Roe v. Wade decision, which gave women a national right to an abortion up until viability, which was determined to be around 28 weeks.

The 6-to-3 ruling sends the issue of abortion back to the states. It does not outlaw abortion entirely. Washington Times.

My thoughts today are not about the states who will ban or allow abortions. I’ve already heard, “A woman will have to travel out of her state!”

My thoughts today are not about the quarreling and division between our government representatives and American citizens (although I am aware of the call for riots by some pro-choice groups).

My thoughts are this: I am trying to understand.

<> How is it that a woman should have a personal choice, but others don’t have a personal choice to decline an immunization like the experimental Covid shot? Don’t people have a right to wait and see the data before injecting themselves with something?

<> How is it that I should trust the science with an experimental immunization, but pro-choice individuals don’t trust the science with what we now see on an ulstrasound? And the science that tells us babies feel pain in the womb?

<> How is that we cannot clearly separate rape and incest with women who don’t want the baby for various reasons, e.g., a method of birth control, “just because”, or emotional and mental health?

<> How is it that emotional or mental health is not valid when it comes to being injected with something not wanted? How is it that these people are told they don’t care about others?

<> How is it that our culture seems to vilify the victim and support the one who does the act to cause there to be a victim? We say a woman is a victim of rape or incest but we don’t tell women who have sex .. they might get pregnant.

<> How is it that those who wish to have a gun or carry a gun shouldn’t be allowed to protect themselves? Meanwhile, the loudest are our government officials who have a security detail?

According to pbs.org, The report from the Guttmacher Institute, a research group that supports abortion rights, counted more than 930,000 abortions in the U.S. in 2020 … About one in five pregnancies ended in abortion in 2020.

Surely these numbers don’t reflect only rape and incest. Nor do they only represent a woman who is hindered because of clinical emotional or mental issues.

Trying to understand.