victory.

Victory doesn’t always come without pain.

There may be casualties.

There may be scars.

There may be loss.

Life will go on and how you look at things makes the difference.

There are moments when I feel defeated. Out of nowhere, there are feelings of anger or bitterness at the unfairness of so much. Things that should not have happened. Words said. Words not said.

But then I have a choice. I can let those emotions be in charge or I can remember what I have earnestly committed my life to. Following Jesus.

Optimism and positive thinking will only carry you so far. Those things have to be anchored into the bedrock of eternity, not limited by human understanding.

Jesus was not just a prophet, teacher, or a good man. He was the Son of God, incarnate, who stepped into an earthly existence to show the world he meant it. Beyond the days we spend of working, playing, sleeping, eating, going, doing … accomplishing …  there is a day when we will step out of our earthly existence and into God’s eternity.

I follow Jesus because he is the way, the truth, and the life. No man can come to the Father except by Jesus, who died for sinful man that he would be reconciled to God.

He left us His word that would guide and direct us through the valleys, the darkness, the turmoils, and storms of life.

He also left us Himself.  Not only words, but His presence. Sometimes we feel it and sometimes we don’t. Yet, when we look back, we can see clearly His hand upon us.

If we want to.

We have a choice. God doesn’t coerce us to believe. He presents the truth to us (and because He wired us to respond, oftentimes we know it’s truth but still turn away) and we decide if we want Him or not.

Years ago, my pastor once said the time to have faith is not when you are facing something difficult. What he meant was it is a lifestyle of building that relationship with God. Just like any friend you have, it takes time to know someone. When something occurs in your life that throws you into a tailspin, it’s better to be prepared.

We can be prepared when we have lived daily having faith in God. We learn to trust Him.

That doesn’t mean we don’t feel all the emotions that goes with trials, tragedies, pain, and suffering. It means we are anchored to something stronger than ourselves.

Today marks 10 years of losing my oldest son, Christopher. If there was one word to describe him, it was this: sincere.

He was completely dedicated to God and his purpose and destiny. You either liked him or you didn’t I suppose. Because he was not afraid to stand up for truth and justice. He called it the way he saw it. After all, he was told he had the same “gift” as his mother.

He was protector and rescuer. He didn’t think of himself because he was fearless. Others meant more to him than he meant to himself.

He embodied love

Today, while walking up the hill on this bright, sunny day, much like the day we lost him 10 years ago, I thought about my personal dedication to prayer on that very day. Over the years, I was committed to prayer for him, my family, my home, and farm.

There was a specific prayer that I had heard years ago and had forgotten until today – that angels would be positioned on the north, the south, the east and west, declaring Proverbs 12 that says  no harm will come to the righteous.

In the months following, those kinds of prayers seemed like a waste of my time. A crisis of faith taunted me. Like John the Baptist, on the eve of his execution, sent for reassurance from Jesus: are you the one? Please tell me this is all real. Jesus sent back this:  ... tell John what you have seen and heard–the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the deaf hear …

I thought, that’s it? How about smiting those who wish to kill me and setting me free? Surely this will show people you are the living God!

But God’s ways are not our ways.

And because of that, those angels I prayed for? The protection? I realized today, they were there. They still are. The devil, who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy, did not entirely wipe us all out. We lost one, but we have victory because of eternity and God’s promises waiting there. The rest of us are still living and trusting with quiet faith and are a testimony of God’s faithfulness.

God doesn’t always have everything in a neat tidy package to show the world He is real.

I am proud of you, Christopher. You were sincere in all that you understood at a young age. You wanted to please. Mostly, you wanted to please God. You embraced all you were taught and wanted to make a difference.  It’s hard sometimes. Because a mother wants to know where all her children are at all times. It changes over time but the instinct is always there. I know you are with God, but there are times I want to know where that exactly is.

So I wait.

I believe.

And  trust.

IMG_3751

Christopher Moulton

Nov. 30, 1981 – Sept. 26, 2005

~~~

I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.

Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.

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9 thoughts on “victory.

  1. kathleen, my heart is aching for your loss. it is a pain like no other and time only softens the edges. your handsome christopher sounds so much like brandon. he also stood up for what was right. he loved deeply and felt pain just as deep. i do know this; our boys are with the father. we are assured of that. often times in the middle of my sorrowful hours, i wonder why god did not keep my son safe but then that still small voice tells me that he did…in heaven. our sons are in the safest place ever! i hope that you cling to that heavenly vision of christopher being whole and safe in god’s presence forever. meanwhile, i pray that you continue to be a shining light of hope for others who have lost a loved one.

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